Friday, December 08, 2006

Conversations with My Mother

Last week, calling from my great aunt's funeral:

Honey? I think we found you a husband.

Mom! You're at a funeral!

Lion, listen. He's nice looking, and Jewish, and is making very good money right now. Cousin Anne is over getting his e-mail for you.

What?? You're dragging cousin Anne into this? You just buried her mother!

Hey now. It was her idea. And a very good one, I might add.


Over breakfast this morning:

You know Lion, I think there's a lot to be said for Indian culture .

I'm sorry?

Indian culture. They way they do relationships.

You mean, arranged marriages.



I'm serious. Who knows you better than your parents? And, I have the time. You're so busy. And you know how I worry about you meeting men in New York.

Mom, I do have some judgment skills. I should be able to avoid the psychopaths.

Oh, honey, no. I know. I meant, I'm worried about you not meeting men.


I'm sorry! It's just, I know how you are. And New York is a very workaholic city. And I am going to want grandchildren someday.

Your Jewish is showing again.

It's just, I can't tell you how many Sunday Style announcements I read in the Times. They're all the same. Parents want to introduce the kids. Know they'll be perfect together. Kids resist for years and years. Finally, years later, they're tricked into meeting. 100% compatible. Love at first sight, always.

That's a nice story, mom.

Nice? It's tragic! Think of all that lost time they could have spent together! If they'd only listened to their mothers...

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Lion (inadvertently) Enters The Jungle. Part Two

Ok! I'm doing it! Posting, not jumping out the window. Don't get excited, nothing interesting has happened. But, my Buddhism class has gotten me a little concerned about reincarnation, and even though I'm more of a Jew, on the off chance they might be right I'm trying to be good and create some positive karma for the next life. (I did send a cover letter out that began 'Hi Justin.' To a man named, unfortunately, Jason. But that's more tragic than interesting.) So, I'm taking suggestions and borrowing material from a more exciting time...


The Editor, if you recall, had been encouraging me to write with more 'tude. (That's his somewhat dated term, not mine. Remember, I go for the old guys, endearing dorkiness and all.)

I, if you recall, had been thinking about one thing: a job. While working at a men's magazine did prove somewhat distracting- more due to those parts of my coworkers that remained hidden than anything else, to be honest- I spent most of my time agonizing about my impending college graduation, and the painfully empty future which lay immediately beyond.

Last piece of the puzzle: The Editor had recently become The Important Creative Director at The Fabulous New Advertising Agency. For sake of brevity and romantic mystery, I continued to see him as The Editor. But, for practical purposes, I also began to see him as The Potential Bearer Of A Job And A Future.

Naturally, then, all I wanted to do was exactly what he wanted. He wanted edge, so I gave him a link to my blog. He found it 'sweet but harmless.' (I know, I mentioned this last time. That's just how indignant I am.) And then, finally, I figured it out. Edge and 'tude and playful and whatever else... it means just one thing. Clearly, sex. Or, particular to my experience, horny interns and (questionably) sexy editors.

I sent The Editor back to my blog and, miracle of all miracles, it finally pleased him. He liked it! He loved me! I loved me! I had a job! (Reality stops after the first exclamation point.) But there were a few parts of his e-mail that confused me. He found it 'oddly naive' that I thought a happy marriage was enough to keep a man's hands in his pockets... 'wink wink.' He also mentioned something about the 'inevitable clintonian lust that results when old, married, bald or balding men find themselves in an (ostensible) position of power over delectable younger women untouched by gravity.'

Well, he had told me he was a good writer...

I wrote back, thanked him, and with maturity and class far beyond my years, ignored his subtle attempt at provocation. (If that's even what it was. More likely, the wink was simply an odd facial tic which I’d childishly misinterpreted as ‘come hither.’ After all, he was fabulous and I was an intern.) Either way, I handled the situation as if I’d been dealing with inappropriate old men for years.

And then he wrote back. It wasn’t over… he was ‘disappointed I’d ignored his subtle attempt at provocation.’ Fuck. How to respond now? I had precisely one technique for dealing with awkward situations: pretending they didn’t happen. With one sentence, he’d rendered me entirely defenseless. (Although I do admit, that little part of my brain that had detected the cyber seduction was feeling quite triumphant. It did not, of course, have any more brilliant insights about what to do next.) And just in case I was still confused, he assured me that, though it wasn’t on the initial internship description, my position did include being (tastefully) harassed by balding me.’

Ok, Lion. Regroup. You can handle this. Remember the beauty of online communication: the written word never quivers with doubt or turns that telling shade of pink. So I took a deep breath, gathered all my verbal faculty, and composed. I told him I’d noticed it, of course, but was simply trying to figure out how to work it into the next blog entry. Toes crossed (fingers would have been preferable, but since outward displays of superstition seemed at odds with the alluring woman I’d apparently become, I kept my anxiety hidden in my shoes), I hit send.

His response was immediate, and included a reminder that, in case I wanted to test out any scenarios, he was a very skilled editor.

Well, that’s kind. I always appreciate another reader for my work.



Did he mean…


Looks like I have a knack for witty banter via e-mail.

And I'm still a little horny...

Monday, September 25, 2006

I feel guilty even posting this.

Sorry I'm not updating so much... as it turns out, the interestingness (I know there is an actual word for this, but for the life of me I cannot think of it) of my life is directly proportionate to the interestingness of my location. Meaning, Lion in a Chicago suburb is far less exciting than Lion in Manhattan.

Things here are fine. My classes are great, and it's good to see old friends. But there's just not much to get worked up about... and to be honest, not much to write a blog about. My life is consumed with studying, meetings, job hunting (actually right now it's job agonizing, but I'm planning to take action starting tomorrow), cleaning my room, and freelance work that came from the summer internship. Oh and for a real treat, babysitting next weekend!

I know, I know, it's all a little too much. I'm just barely able to contain myself.

(I'm sorry, I'm sorry, so boring, I know. I'm trying to stir up some excitement here... by next week, I'll have something fascinating for sure. And if not, I'll jump out the window. Which will also be fascinating, in a sense. So I guess no matter what, look for something big in the upcoming days.)

Monday, September 18, 2006

I'm still a New Yorker in my heart. But technically, I'm not really one anymore.

Sad, I know. This Chicago thing is not my favorite, trust me. (And let's be clear here- when I say Chicago, I actually mean a boring northern suburb. Chicago itself isn't so bad, but that's not the material I'm working with.) But, even with my intelligence, charm and good looks, a college degree is kind of necessary. So here I am, back in the Midwest.

These next three months should include lots of interesting and exciting adventures. They will likely include:

-Job hunting (in Manhattan, of course)
-Figuring out what I should do with my life
-Investigating 'possible miscarriages of justice' for a class on investigative reporting. (This means freeing wrongfully convicted people from death row)
-Frat parties and football games*
-Teaching myself to program Flash (as advised by The Editor)
-Concluding my stories about the Editor (I promise- parts two and three of Lion in the Jungle are coming!)
-Preparing for a trip to Israel
-A trial or plea bargain for scary attacker guy

And then, after I finish all these important things, I can come back to New York! Forever and ever and ever! As a Real New Yorker! So soon... But for now, I'm stuck here in the Windy City, missing my Big Apple like crazy.

*I'm totally just kidding. I tried doing that whole scene. It was fun for a little while, but kind of ended in the alcoholism/addiction thing. And anyways, these days I'm way too grown up and sophisticated for all that. So mature, in fact, that during yesterday's unpacking I had to devote two entire drawers to my knitting supplies.